The dependent child cannot define himself or herself as a person. Whilst most of us get our sense of ourselves from the people around us and how they react to us and what they tell us, the dependent child’s evolving sense of self is even more acutely focused on the important adults in his or her life. Psychological survival depends on keeping in relationship to these others at all costs and accepting their version of us, however negative. In families which neglect or criticize their children too much, there can be a fundamental uncertainty about the worth of self. The internal working model will be one of inner worthlessness or even badness anticipating a critical or neglectful other. These expectations inform behaviour and often draw others into confirming the expectations setting up a vicious cycle that’s hard to break.
Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby’s Brain by Sue Gerhardt
